1. According to a new national poll, Barack Obama tops the list of the worst presidents since World War II. Said President Obama, “I have a foolproof plan to get out of that top spot, and that plan is Joe Biden for President.”
2. Fabien Cousteau, grandson of famed oceanographer Jacques Cousteau, emerged from the Atlantic Ocean on Wednesday, after a record-breaking 31-day stay underwater. “I told you we should have broken his kneecaps instead,” said the mafia.
3. Actress Lindsay Lohan is suing the makers of the “Grand Theft Auto V” video game, claiming it used her likeness without her permission. So I’m guessing there’s a scene in the game where two trains collide.
4. More people in the U.S. tuned in to the U.S.-Belgium World Cup soccer match on Tuesday than did for the 2013 World Series. “That’s adorable,” said the NFL.
5. Vandals broke into a Maryland petting zoo this week and painted graffiti on a pig. Either that, or Charlotte has graduated to tagging.
6. On Wednesday, Mitt Romney returned to New Hampshire to endorse Republican Scott Brown’s U.S. Senate bid. Said Romney, “When I look at Scott Brown, it’s like looking in a mirror. In fact, when I look at anyone in New Hampshire …”
7. According to a new study, eating dark chocolate may help older people with mobility issues move around with more ease. Which means, as they get older, it’s going to get harder and harder to physically keep up with the Kardashians.
8. A new study found, young adults who exercised vigorously before bed ended up getting better sleep than their peers who reported less strenuous evening activity. “I beg to differ,” said Oscar Pistorius.
9. According to a new study, going for regular walks may improve symptoms among people with Parkinson’s disease. The only downside, they usually end up unintentionally hailing multiple cabs along the way.
10. According to Forbes, Beyonce is the most influential person in the world. “It’s gonna be a couple of tough weeks around the house,” said Stedman.
11. According to a new guideline from a group of internal medicine doctors, most women should not get routine pelvic exams. “There’s no harm in being extra-careful,” said Paris Hilton.
12. Yesterday, a California man and his dog dug up a human skull, remains that anthropologists believe may have been part of an ancient ritualistic ceremony. Said the dog, “So maybe from now on I’ll sit when I want to sit.”
